Why Does My Child Hit When Frustrated?

Sep 6

6 min read

Tell me if this has ever happened to you.

You're in the supermarket.

Your child wants the yoghurt with the cartoon dinosaur on it. Unfortunately, you have already bought three yoghurts at home and are trying to maintain the illusion that you are an adult who makes sensible financial decisions.

So you say the fateful words.

"Not today."

And suddenly, your sweet, cherub-faced child transforms into a tiny, enraged Viking.

The face reddens. The eyebrows descend. There is a screech.

And before you know it...

WHACK.

A tiny hand slaps your leg.

Or your face, or their sibling - or, if they're feeling particularly ambitious, all three.

And immediately, your brain goes into full panic mode.

Why is my child hitting?
Have I accidentally raised a tiny hooligan?
Is this how serial killers start?
Should I be googling boarding schools?

First of all, no - take a breath.

Your child is not bad.

They are not aggressive either, and they are certainly not destined for a life of crime because they smacked you over a yoghurt.

They are simply overwhelmed.

If You Are In The Hitting Phase, I Need You To Know Something

It has happened to all of us.

We have all been there.

In fact, I remember a time when my eldest was going through it, and she was taking it out on me. I could not believe it. How was I, of all people, getting the brunt of it?

The mother who was there for her through the thick and thin, the one who had been there for every single nap, snack, and negotiation over socks?

Apparently that loyalty counts for nothing when you are 2.5 years old...

What helped, eventually, was zooming out and seeing the world through her eyes for a moment.

She was navigating a language explosion in two languages at once.
She had a new baby brother and was quietly working out where exactly she fit in the family now.
And we had just moved house.

Any one of those things would be enough to wobble an adult. She had all three, simultaneously, with the impulse control of a caffeinated squirrel.

After one outburst, once she had calmed down, I asked her: "Is there anything you want from me when you feel such big emotions?"

She was never a hugger, so I genuinely had no idea what she would say.

Her answer: "Mummy, water."

That was it. Water. So that is what we tried next time. It did not always work. But sometimes it did, and honestly, sometimes is enough.

Why Do Children Hit When They're Frustrated?

Because frustration is hard.

Actually, scratch that.

Frustration is hard for adults...

Have you ever yelled at your computer because it froze?

Slapped a cupboard door because you walked into it?

Said words that would make your grandmother faint because you could not find your car keys?

Excellent.

Now imagine experiencing those feelings while also:

Being three years old
Having almost no emotional regulation skills
Not possessing the words you need to make yourself understood
Having a brain that is still very much under construction

Suddenly, hitting starts making a lot more sense.

Young children simply do not yet have the brain wiring to consistently say:

"Mother, I am experiencing profound disappointment and would appreciate a few moments to process my emotions."

No.

They communicate with their bodies.

Big feelings come out as:

Hitting/ Pushing/ Throwing/ Biting/ Kicking/ Turning into a limp noodle on the supermarket floor.

They are not trying to hurt you. They are simply trying to say:

"I have feelings bigger than my skills."

Their Brain Is Literally Under Construction

The part of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and good decision-making is called the prefrontal cortex.

And unfortunately, it is not fully developed until the mid-twenties (which honestly explains quite a lot about university students...)

When your child gets frustrated, their emotional brain takes over and the thinking brain temporarily goes offline. This is not a metaphor or a nice way of letting them off the hook. It is documented. Researchers studying emotional development in early childhood have found that the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the limbic system, the brain's emotional centre, are still forming throughout the toddler and preschool years, which is exactly why big feelings arrive at full volume with no internal filter to slow them down.

So when you ask, mid-meltdown,

"Why did you do that?"

you are asking a question their brain is not currently equipped to answer.

It is about as useful as asking a goldfish to explain quantum physics.

They genuinely may not know.

So What Should You Do Instead?

Stop the hitting.

Calmly, firmly, without turning into a dragon yourself.

You can say:

"I won't let you hit." Short and simple - no TED Talk required.

Your job is to keep everyone safe.

Stay calm...ish.

I say "ish" because I know.

Someone has just slapped you in the face with a sticky hand that smells faintly of raisins - inner peace may not be immediately available.

But remember, your calm nervous system helps regulate theirs. You do not need to be perfectly zen. You just need to avoid joining them in the emotional tornado.

Name the feeling.

Children cannot manage feelings they do not yet understand.

Try:

"You're feeling really frustrated."

"You wanted the dinosaur yoghurt."

"You're angry that I said no."

This is not giving in.

This is helping their brain make sense of what is happening.

Ask what helps, even if the answer is weird.

Once things have calmed down, try asking your child what they need when the big feelings come. You might get nothing. You might get a shrug. Or, like me, you might get "water," and discover that your toddler has just handed you the most useful parenting tool you own. Children often know more about themselves than we give them credit for. We just have to ask at the right moment, which is never during the actual whack.

Teach them what they can do instead.

In calm moments, practice:

Stomping feet/ Squeezing a pillow/ Taking dragon breaths/ Asking for help/ Saying "I'm angry," "I need a hug," or "I need space" (or water, apparently)

Skills are built through practice - not during the actual meltdown. Nobody learns emotional regulation in the middle of a rage spiral.

Remember that repetition is normal.

I know.

This is a bit annoying.

You explain it once and expect your child to emerge as an emotionally intelligent guru.

Instead, they hit again tomorrow. And the next day.

And then again because their banana broke.

This is normal.

Children learn through hundreds, sometimes thousands, of repetitions. Your calm responses are literally helping build new pathways in their brain - you are doing construction work.

Tiny, invisible, exhausting construction work.

A Word on Motherhood

Here is the bit that often gets left out of these posts. Managing your child's enormous, unpredictable emotions while also managing your own adapting, stretching, occasionally fraying self is a genuinely huge thing. Parenting tests your patience and questions your confidence in ways nothing else quite does, and somehow you are expected to do it all while also remembering whose turn it is to bring snacks to preschool.

This is part of why I started Mabbatical, a space for mothers to grow through the experience of becoming a mother, not just survive it. If you have ever once wondered whether you are doing this right (and let's be honest, who hasn't, usually at 11pm while reorganising a sock drawer for no reason), the Rise Up Motherhood Scorecard is a good place to start. It takes a few minutes and gives you real insight into where you are right now, and what might actually help next.

The Good News

This phase passes. One day your child will experience frustration and instead of whacking you with a toy truck, they will say:

"I'm upset."

And you will stare at them in complete shock because... who is this emotionally articulate little person?

The skills you are teaching now matter.

Every time you hold the boundary, name the feeling, stay calm, and show them another way, you are teaching emotional regulation. You are teaching that big feelings are okay, that hurting people is not, and that there are better ways to handle frustration. Sometimes those better ways involve dragon breaths. Sometimes they involve a glass of water and absolutely nothing else.

So the next time your child loses it because their toast is cut into squares instead of triangles... You will know exactly what is happening:

Their brain is overwhelmed; Their feelings are bigger than their skills.

And now?

You know what to do.

You've got this.

(And if necessary, you can always hide in the pantry and eat chocolate afterwards. That's called emotional regulation for parents:)

Here's to raising smarter, more confident & resilient children - and more often than not, it starts with us.