To gasp or not to gasp and the danger of playing it safe.

Mags from Academicus
Oct 19
4 min read

Updated: Nov 21

You’ve seen this scene play out countless times:

Your child is running. They trip, fall and scrape their knee.
They ready themselves to jump from the couch 1...2...3...— and only time will tell if they’ll land safely… or not.
They pull a chair to reach something on the table — and with the eyes of your imagination you can see how they lose balance and tumble to the ground...

In these moments, our parental reflex kicks in. We rush forward, we gasp, we shout, we protect.

But have you every stopped to wonder: "Does this reaction actually help my child?"

The Emotional Mirror

Children are emotional barometers. They don’t just see what happens — they feel what we feel. When your child falls and you gasp in fear, they instantly pick up on your emotion.

A fall that might have been a mild surprise suddenly becomes a terrifying event.

This process is known as social referencing — a term in developmental psychology that describes how infants and young children look to trusted adults to interpret unfamiliar or uncertain situations. If you run over in panic, your child might start crying not because they are hurt, but because you look scared.

One classic example of social referencing comes from the “visual cliff” experiment by Joseph Campos and colleagues at the University of California, Berkeley (Campos & Stenberg, 1981). In this study, infants placed on a glass-covered platform that looked like a steep drop would decide whether to cross based on their mother’s facial expression. When the mother smiled, the baby crossed confidently; when she looked fearful, the baby stayed put — even though the surface was completely safe.

In other words — your child’s emotional response to a fall is shaped by your face, your tone, and your energy. They’re asking, “Am I safe?” And your reaction gives them the answer.

Social referencing doesn’t end in infancy. Toddlers and young children continue to check in with us — watching our expressions and tone — to help them decide how to respond to risks, falls, and new experiences.

The Culture of “Safetyism”

We live in an era of what psychologists call safetyism. Safetyism describes a culture in which safety becomes a sacred value, sometimes overriding other essential concerns like resilience, risk-taking, or problem-solving.

When we overreact to every stumble or scrape, we may unintentionally teach our children:

“The world is dangerous. I can’t trust myself. I need an adult to rescue me.”

Of course, keeping children safe from real danger is vital. But experiencing small, manageable falls, missteps, or failures is how children learn to evaluate risk, trust their body, and develop confidence in themselves.

Building Resilience Instead

So what can we do instead?

Pause before reacting. Take a breath. Let your child process what just happened before you rush in.
Stay calm and curious. If your child looks at you, meet their gaze with reassurance:“Oops, that was a big tumble. Are you okay?” (in a calm tone)
Validate without amplifying. “That must have surprised you.” or “You fell, but you’re okay. Want to try again?”
Let them lead. If they brush themselves off and move on — great! If they need a cuddle, offer one, but avoid turning it into a dramatic rescue.
Reflect later. “You climbed so high and then slipped — what do you think you’ll do differently next time?”This builds awareness and confidence, not fear.

Resilience Starts in Babyhood

Teaching resilience doesn’t begin when children start climbing. It begins in babyhood — when your baby rolls over, reaches, topples, and tries again. When they struggle to pull up and fall on their bum. When you let them explore, fall, and recover — instead of constantly intervening.

Each of these small moments teaches your child:

“I can handle this.” “My body is capable.” “I am safe to explore.”

And when you stay calm, grounded, and connected, you’re giving them the best gift of all — the belief that they can trust themselves.

A Final Thought

Next time your child slips, falls, or misjudges a step — take a breath.

Before rushing in, ask yourself: What lesson do I want them to learn right now?

That the world is full of danger? Or that they are capable, resilient, and learning every single time they fall?

Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do as parents… is simply not gasp.

Watch the Visual Cliff experiment:

Read more about Safetyism:

The term was popularized by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt in their 2018 book The Coddling of the American Mind.

Would you love to gain more hands-on ideas on how to guide your child in safely exploring their boundaries?

Then join us at Academicus for learning and adventure!

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