Networking (and what it has to do with your child)

Mags from Academicus
6 days ago
4 min read

Networking events.

Company workshops.

Parent evenings.

Birthday parties.

What do all of these situations have in common?

They require us to walk into a room full of people we don’t quite know yet… and pretend we’re totally fine.

If you’re anything like me, your strategy probably looks something like this:

You arrive and immediately make a beeline for the snack and drinks table — this gives you something to do while you subtly scan the room.

You pretend to be deeply interested in the hummus while secretly assessing the vibe.

You look around for a familiar face like it’s a survival mission.

Once you spot someone you know, you casually (but efficiently) migrate in their direction and cling to them with slightly more enthusiasm than is socially necessary. They are now your emotional support human.

You stay there. You chat. You warm up. Your nervous system slowly realises:

Okay, we’re safe here.

And only then — only once you’ve settled — do you start feeling confident enough to talk to others, branch out, and actually enjoy yourself.

And this is exactly what your child is doing too.

What your child is really doing in new environments

Every time your child enters a new space — nursery, kindergarten, school, a parent-child class, a birthday party — their brain is busy asking:

• Is this safe?

• Who are these people?

• Where do I fit?

• Can I trust this environment?

Neuroscience confirms that children rely on their primary caregiver as a “secure base” (a concept developed by psychologist John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory). When a child feels unsure, they instinctively move closer to their safe person — you — because safety must be established before exploration can happen.

The quiet danger of labels

And yet, in these moments, many parents instinctively explain their child’s behaviour by using labels:

“Oh, she’s just shy.”“He’s always been sensitive.”“She’s slow to warm up.”“He’s difficult today.” "She's clingy".

We usually say it innocently — sometimes even to protect our child socially.

But research in developmental psychology consistently shows that children internalise the identities they hear repeated about themselves.

Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, known for her work on growth mindset, explains in her book "Mindset", that labels encourage a fixed self-concept: “I am shy.”“I am bad at this.”“I am the difficult one.”

Over time, these statements become self-fulfilling beliefs.

Your voice becomes their inner voice.

A powerful shift: from labels to process

Instead of describing your child as a label, describe their process.

Your child isn’t shy: They are adapting to a new environment.

Your child isn’t clingy: They are seeking safety while they orient themselves.

Your child isn’t slow: They are observing and processing deeply.

The brain remains highly plastic in early childhood. This means behaviours are not fixed traits — they are evolving responses shaped by experience, environment, and emotional safety.

Language matters because language shapes identity.

So next time you are on the verge of saying: “She’s shy”, try replacing it with “She’s still getting comfortable here.”

It’s a subtle change. But psychologically, it’s transformative.

This applies to us too

This mindset shift isn’t just for children — it’s for us as parents. Parenting is not a destination of perfection; it’s a process of continual learning and adaptation. Every day you set the intention to be present, thoughtful, and kind to your child, you are growing into the parent you want to be. (I am not sure any of us will ever reach perfection, but this way we are becoming more attuned, more resilient, more capable:)

And in moments of struggle, remember to show yourself a bit of compassion - like you would to a friend.

Studies have shown that self-compassion — the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness you’d extend to a good friend — is linked to better emotional well-being and lower stress in parents. In one experimental study, parents who practised self-compassion reported significantly reduced feelings of guilt and shame in response to challenging parenting events, compared with a control group.

The work of psychologist Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, highlights that being kind to ourselves in moments of struggle doesn’t make us weaker — it fosters resilience, emotional regulation, and a safer internal environment from which to show up for our children. (Greater Good)

So when you find yourself thinking you should be doing better — pause. Speak to yourself with kindness instead. Your children are watching not just what you do, but how you speak to yourself about what you do. That inner voice becomes their inner voice too.