Your child is not “making you angry.” Here's what is and how to reclaim your power as a parent.

Mags from Academicus
7 hours ago
4 min read

You know those moments when your child pushes you right to the edge - when you feel the anger bubbling up like lava, hot and uncontainable - and then… you erupt. And in the aftermath, when the ashes have settled, you hear yourself muttering through clenched teeth:

“She made me so angry.”

“I shouted because he made me.”

Because you know, normally, you’re a pretty great human—fun, calm, easy-going, the life of the party. But in those testing moments of tantrums, meltdowns, defiance, and opposition, your child seems to make you feel all these ugly, uncomfortable feelings. And then comes the explosion. The guilt. And then the shame. And then the cycle repeats.

Well, guess what?

I am going to tell you something you might not want to hear:

When you say your child “made you” lose it… you’re giving away your power - you are becoming a victim.

You’re deflecting responsibility - your response-ability: your ability to choose how you respond rather than react.

You’re handing your emotional agency over to something outside of you. To a circumstance. To a moment. To a small human who is still years - decades - away from full brain development.

You’re slipping into a victim mindset. And your child becomes the one you blame.

Reacting vs. Responding: A Quick Analogy

Imagine you go to a doctor who prescribes medication. You return a few days later and the doctor might say:

“Bad news—your body is reacting to the medicine.”
Meaning: the body is rejecting it, resisting it.
“Good news—your body is responding well.”
Meaning: the medicine is helping you heal.

See the difference?

When we say, “It’s because of you that I lost my temper,” we are reacting, not responding. And several things happen here:

1. You are placing emotional responsibility and impossibly unrealistic developmental expectations on your child.

Your Brain and Their Brain are two different animals and as parents we need to understand that we are the regulators. Our children are not.

Our prefrontal cortex - responsible for reason, impulse control, and executive function- is fully developed. Theirs is nowhere close.

Children’s brains are designed to be reactive: instant, emotional, intense… and temporary.

Ever noticed how your child can go from a meltdown to giggling in 30 seconds while you’re still shaking from the emotional whiplash? That’s developmentally normal.

For them.

2. You are teaching them that your needs matter more than theirs.

In a study on inconsistent parenting responses (I have linked it below), one mother says to her upset toddler: “Stop that - mummy was just so scared.

Make mummy feel better. Give mummy a hug.”

Her child learns: “My job is to soothe Mum, not the other way around.”

These babies eventually stop going to their parent for comfort because they don’t want to upset them.

4. You are teaching them to be a victim

When you blame outside circumstances instead of taking radical responsibility for your own reactions, you unintentionally model a passive, powerless way of being. You show your child that life simply “happens” to us, that things are unfair, and that someone else is always at fault. Instead of learning to see challenges as opportunities for growth, they learn to shrug, collapse, or complain.

And truly, there is no less empowered way to move through the world.

So How Do We Keep Our “Shaz” Together?

Parenting in emotionally charged moments tests even the best of us (add sleep deprivation, sickness and a never ending to-do list to the mix and you have a recipe for an explosion).

But there is hope.

Today I would love to share with you tools I’ve been experimenting with over the years - tools that have actually helped me, and I know can also help you.

1. What you focus on, you embody — The Hawthorne Effect

I practice this during my daily cold morning shower. Challenges are inevitable, but when I deliberately focus on how I want to feel - calm, connected, in control - I show up differently.

2. Viktor Frankl’s Pause

While in a concentration camp, Frankl discovered a uniquely human capacity: the ability to step outside ourselves, zoom out, and see that the moment isn’t personal. Between stimulus and response, there is space—and in that space is our power.

Step outside of yourself and think "how would I like to be treated if that was baby/toddler/ young kid - me" - instant reality check.

3. “Take a breath… and another one.”

The Speaking Coach, Jefferson Fisher interviewed on The Diary of a CEO said:

Before you respond, take a breath. Then another. Create space. That’s where you reclaim your power (this also happens to be where great parenting takes place).

And I swear, recently, I have been hyperventilating thanks to this tool...(we are currently going through the toileting awareness process, aka potty training with the toddler...ALL the breathing helps here;)

4. Remind yourself: “I am the parent.”

This little human cannot phase me. Time, experience, and maturity are on my side.

We Grow Into Our Parenting Power

Parenting is not static; it is evolution. Each challenge strengthens you - if you’re aware of what you’re doing, how you’re impacting your child, and what tools you’re choosing.

You become resilient.

Like the palm tree I saw in Japan, bent almost horizontally in a typhoon - yet not breaking. It had survived storms since its beginning. It had developed deep roots.

A tree untouched by wind never learns to bend.

Neither do we.

Your Child’s Job Is Not to Make You Happy

Your child’s responsibility is not to keep you calm, not to "complete" you, or prevent you from feeling angry or overwhelmed.

They were placed on this earth, in your care, because—if you are reading this—you are the perfect person to guide them through life. To teach them. To lift them. To love them as they learn what it means to be human.

And part of that lesson starts with reclaiming your power, your agency, and your ability to respond, not react.

For the study on developing attachment & inconsistent parenting, check out this video: