The hidden dangers of this parenting strategy (And what to do instead)

Mags from Academicus
Nov 16, 2025
4 min read

I recently heard a story from a parent who was at her breaking point. Her two-year-old – right in the thick of what so many casually label the “terrible twos” – had become “impossible.”

(I’ve written before about why phrases like “terrible twos,” “threenagers,” or “f***ing fours” are harmful and inaccurate… so I won’t unpack that here, but in short: these labels damage our perception of the child and our connection with them, and put us on opposing teams.)

This parent described kicking, screaming, defiance, and even one moment of unsafe pushing. On one of those occasions, overwhelmed and unsure what else to do, she decided to teach him a lesson by invoking this dangerous parenting strategy.... She sent her son to “time-out” to his room and closed the door.

And this is where I want to pause.

Because something hugely important is happening here – both inside the child and inside us.

What’s Really Going On in a Child at This Age

When a young child melts down, refuses, hits, or pushes, it is not because they’re “naughty.”It’s because:

Their brain is undergoing massive development, especially in emotional regulation
Their body is growing stronger and more capable, and they want to do everything themselves
They are in the oppositional crisis – an expected, healthy stage of development
They are asserting themselves and testing limits
Their language is not yet developed enough to express complex feelings
They are learning cause, effect, and how the world responds to them
And underneath all of this, they have a deep, biological need to feel loved, accepted, and safe – especially when they are at their worst

When we isolate a child in the middle of emotional overwhelm, what they experience is not calm-down time. It is withdrawal of connection.

Dr. Gabor Maté speaks extensively about how isolation in moments of distress can fracture the attachment relationship. The child, instead of learning how to regulate, ends up feeling more frightened, more alone, and more desperate for connection.

And a desperate nervous system does not regulate. It escalates.

To put it in perspective...

Imagine a football match.The stadium is buzzing, the pressure is high, and a player sprints toward the ball. He lines up the perfect shot… and misses.

The whistle blows. The team files into the locker room.

Now imagine the coach storming in, face red, barking:

“YOU! Sit on that bench and think about what you’ve done!”

Would this help the player score next time?

Would it teach him technique, confidence, or self-control?

Of course not.

He’d walk away:

embarrassed
confused
overwhelmed
and with no new skills

Just like football players, our children need coaches, not critics.

When kids have emotional “misses” – the tantrums, the defiance, the hitting – sending them to the “naughty step” or shutting them in their room for "time out" doesn’t teach the skill they’re missing.

It teaches shame. It teaches aloneness. It teaches, “You get love when you behave. You get isolation when you’re struggling.”

But mistakes are not misbehaviour.They are opportunities to learn.

What Great Coaches Do (and How We Can Copy Them)

After a tough moment, a great coach wouldn’t punish the player.

A great coach would:

Review the moment without judgment
Break down the skill
Practice it together
Celebrate progress

We can do the same with our children – even our toddlers, even our babies.

1. Coach

Soft, slow, short instructions: “Hands.” “Water.” “Soap.” “Go.”

(When our family enters the house from the outdoors, we always repeat the same anthem: "shoes, jackets, hands" - 5 years later the eldest has got it. The 2 year old is work in progress...;)