The perils of telling your child to say this ONE thing

Mags from Academicus
2 days ago
3 min read

Ever been in a situation where your child receives a present, and instead of politely expressing their gratitude, they tear off the wrapping paper, toss the box aside, and dive headfirst into playing with their new treasure?

You stand there, your heart pounding, as if the spotlight of the entire universe is now on you. Your face starts to redden, you force a smile that feels more like a grimace, and you nervously nudge your child, whispering desperately, "Say 'thank you','" while feeling the intense heat of embarrassment searing through you...

But why do we feel so uneasy and embarrassed in such moments?

It’s usually because we’re looking at the situation through our parental lens.

Thoughts like, "You're making me look bad in front of the other parents," might be running through our minds. We worry that others will think we’re not teaching our children proper manners and that we have zero control of our own offspring...

But what if we changed our perspective for a moment?

It’s your child’s birthday. They’re excited and perhaps slightly overwhelmed being the center of attention. And to add to all this excitement, they receive a special present - just for them!

Instead of worrying about how their response reflects on you, stand by your child: graciously thank the giver, and not feel bad that your child is deep in exploration mode:

“Oh wow, Jenny, thank you so much for the present you gave John for his birthday! That’s so thoughtful of you!”

By thanking the giver yourself, you’re not only modeling courtesy and good manners to your child, but you’re also validating the giver’s gesture.

Over time, your child will absorb this behavior. Remember, children aged 0-6 have incredibly absorbent minds, picking up on the language, attitudes, and behaviors around them.

And come to think of it:

If somebody told me in front of all my friends, "Say thank you," I would likely feel humiliated, undermined, and unworthy.

Let’s be mindful of how we speak to our children: lets choose to empower them and consciously model desired behaviours to them.

Often, the way we speak to our kids mirrors how we were spoken to as children. We tend to replicate the models and attitudes used with us.

Sometimes, well-meaning comments, such as "say thank you", made unconsciously, can have a huge effect on our children.

Practical Exercise:

Next time your child gives you something:

Get down to your child’s level and engage in eye contact.
Smile and say, "Thank you so much," with all the love and emotion you can muster.

Our kids will learn to say “thank you” naturally when they hear us saying it and when they see gratitude and respect being shown to them. This is when they start embodying it.

PS. You don’t have to wait for your child to be verbal to use this strategy. Start modeling grace and courtesy with your baby in daily communication with them, friends, and family.

PPS. If your child is into Peppa Pig, you can listen to an audio episode of how Peppa and her brother George learn about saying Please and Thank you on Spotify HERE

If you are a fan of Bluey (guilty as charged;) then you can also get inspiration on how to teach manners to your kids from the episode called "Asparagus", available HERE :)

Here's to raising smarter, more confident & resilient children - and more often than not, it starts with us.

Your Partner in Parenting-Success,